Most of my life I felt like I was different, like I didn’t quite understand who I needed to be to fit in. It was a mix of trying to be someone I wasn’t, feeling lonely because I felt like no one actually knew or understood me, and feeling hopelessly lost chasing a new high to numb the uncomfortable feelings that came with it.
Over the years I’ve tried to find tribes where I fit in, but wherever I go something has always felt off, like if I get to express one side of myself I always have to compromise and hide another. In the end I have always retreated back into my own bubble because at least there I wouldn’t be quite as judged as everywhere else.
What didn’t go away was the burning desire to be accepted, coupled with constantly being proven that you are not allowed to be yourself. I hid more and more of myself, and eventually, I ended up not feeling loved, because the mask I carried to make others feel comfortable, blurred and erased who I really was. When that happens anyone who says they love you, only really love your mask, and the void, and loneliness continues to grow.
Almost 2,5 years ago I broke up with my boyfriend of five years and I no longer felt like I had to be anything for anyone else. My only goal was to figure out who I was, and how I felt most comfortable representing myself. It has been a journey, and my family and friends have for sure had their remarks about my drastic changes but over time they have gotten used to it, and they recognise that I’m happier.
They have seen me get comfortable in my own skin, and they get to see all of me and not just the plastered on “everything is fine” face. With that, my relationships have deepened, and while I still don’t feel like I live the life most of my family, or friends, live we now appreciate each others differences and we get to experience life through each other’s ups and downs and see which feelings are just part of the human experience, and which are part of the life you choose.
The more I talk about my struggles the more I feel like I belong, even though the belonging isn’t tied to a person, or group of people, but part of smaller experiences shared across lots of people. I know that I am not alone. I don’t fit in with one group in particular, but share smaller parts of myself with bigger groups of people, and thats ok.
On this journey I have discovered that finding your authentic self removes so much stress from your life, and learning to accept the process, and accepting who you are, is one of the biggest journeys you’ll go on, and hooooly cow it’s scary. So scary, but so worth it.
What I do know is that I changed out of necessity. I felt like I was drowning, and most people never have time to get to that stage because life has a way of keeping us busy, and give us all the options to run from those feelings. Most of us are good at running from them too, but we deserve more.
So I figured that the next scary part of my journey, is to share myself with the world, in hopes that maybe, maybe someone who feels the same, and dares to find their authentic self again.
And if you’re curious what 4 years apart can do (no, selfies are not something I am known for taking), it can look like this!
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